#2. The Hoff

Really? I mean... REALLY? Nothing says, "I am white and you will love me regardless of what fuckery I commit!" like getting butt naked and covering one's junk with Shar Pei puppies. if a member of any other race/culture were to pull such a stunt, they'd be ridiculed and held in contempt.


Only in America could a tale like The Hoff's be spun. Where else can one go from talentless 1 hour TV action drama hero (Knight Rider), to talentless Euro pop star, to talentless 1 hour TV action drama hero again (Baywatch), to talentless cheeseball icon, to talentless, drunken, slurring internet reality video phenom? Who knew that a career spanning 35 years would culminate in a "sobering" (pun intended) tour de force performance shot by his teenage daughter?


What is it about The Hoff that other white people love? Those baby blues? That velvety rocker voice (the Germans are all about it)? That stunning chestnut coiffure? Dang! Is it any wonder that The Hoff is THE HOFF?!?! When I stayed up every Friday night in 1983 to watch the Knight Industries Three Thousand repeatedly bail The Hoff's himbo ass out of jam after jam, I could not have known that this man who talked to his Trans Am would become such a tragically flawed figure. "KITT, I need ya buddy!" I loved it. The Hoff could do no wrong.

But now my eyes are open... now I see the truth... now when I gaze into the eyes of THE NIGHT ROCKER, I see the triumph and tragedy that is The Hoff; and dammit, it's no less incredible than it was every time he punched the TURBO BOOST and smashed that Pontiac through a "BRIDGE OUT" sign, soared over a ravine, then blasted down whatever dusty American highway his tires hit on the other side.