#3. The Mosh Pit

COMING SOON

#2. The Hoff

Really? I mean... REALLY? Nothing says, "I am white and you will love me regardless of what fuckery I commit!" like getting butt naked and covering one's junk with Shar Pei puppies. if a member of any other race/culture were to pull such a stunt, they'd be ridiculed and held in contempt.


Only in America could a tale like The Hoff's be spun. Where else can one go from talentless 1 hour TV action drama hero (Knight Rider), to talentless Euro pop star, to talentless 1 hour TV action drama hero again (Baywatch), to talentless cheeseball icon, to talentless, drunken, slurring internet reality video phenom? Who knew that a career spanning 35 years would culminate in a "sobering" (pun intended) tour de force performance shot by his teenage daughter?


What is it about The Hoff that other white people love? Those baby blues? That velvety rocker voice (the Germans are all about it)? That stunning chestnut coiffure? Dang! Is it any wonder that The Hoff is THE HOFF?!?! When I stayed up every Friday night in 1983 to watch the Knight Industries Three Thousand repeatedly bail The Hoff's himbo ass out of jam after jam, I could not have known that this man who talked to his Trans Am would become such a tragically flawed figure. "KITT, I need ya buddy!" I loved it. The Hoff could do no wrong.

But now my eyes are open... now I see the truth... now when I gaze into the eyes of THE NIGHT ROCKER, I see the triumph and tragedy that is The Hoff; and dammit, it's no less incredible than it was every time he punched the TURBO BOOST and smashed that Pontiac through a "BRIDGE OUT" sign, soared over a ravine, then blasted down whatever dusty American highway his tires hit on the other side.

#1. Adolf Hitler

Oh man. What a way to kick this thing off, huh? Who would've guessed that the son of a bastard father and his half-niece wife would go on to leave humanity with a case of Dirty Mouth that no amount of Orbit gum is going to clean up? Actually, being the son of a bastard father and his half-niece wife is probably a big ole red flag for potential fucked-upness, but I digress.

There are many theories as to why Das Führer chose to go completely ape-shit medieval on the kosher kids -- not that any of the theories matter much. I mean, once you get so far out there as to give the order to fire up the ovens and incinerate a few million innocent people, the "why's" become a tad bit trivial. And even being the card-carrying postmodernistic agnostic I am (who doesn't believe in heaven, hell, absolute good, or absolute evil), it's hard for me to just go with my simple default write-off of someone suffering from a JAMES BOND MOVIE-ESQUE LEVEL OF DIABOLICAL, VILLAINOUS, MEGALOMANIACAL PSYCHOSIS, cuz this douche was definitely waaaay next level.

In the end, even though Herr Fruitbag did sort of bless the human race with the Volkswagen,
he's nevertheless probably enjoying an eternity in hell (if hell exists)... sucking on a molotov cocktail... wearing gasoline-soaked Fruit of the Loom briefs... pitching that Mein Kampf screenplay like no other.

Big Ups - Jesse Owens, Anne Frank, & Oskar Schindler